She had very much a “wtf” reaction to my hospital discharge med list (I’m not going to be getting 40mg of valium a day anymore, for example).

Because I am still stabilized as a homeless horse and hallucinating enough to go nuts at times, she wants me to think about what I’m going to agree to go back on.

She literally sent me IP to get ECT because I cannot for the love of God find something that treats bipolar that’s effects are preferable to the symptoms. It’s not like I’ve tried 4 or 5 meds and think they all suck because I get a little tired and hungrier. I literally tried all 2nd gen APs, most 1st gens, all anticonvulsants used for bipolar (and some that aren’t!), lithium, and probably some crazy shyt that doesn’t even fall in any of those categories, have almost died from lithium, tegretol, invega, fanapt, and haldol, and probably would be dead or at least on a liver transplant list by now if I didn’t take myself off Depakote.

So I guess is how do I choose a med to take just to take a med when I can’t think of ANYTHING that has ever helped. I’m considering asking for Tegretol or lithium (crazy bad reaction to Tegretol but I don’t remember it and if I can be absent for the rest of my short life I’d be okay with that, and lithium will probably kill me in a month when I’m NOT struggling with my eating disorder because it’s hard to stay hydrated and with a good electrolyte balance if you’re peeing 8L a day