I did fight the Adderall (and the benzos and the clonidine and the pantoprazole). If I wasn’t told I could go home if I took them, I would probably still be at that fking hospital telling them to fk off when calling me for meds. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk because my bones would have like 50 needle holes by now if it wasn’t for “I’ll take the meds and hide my self harm” weekend.

I don’t get how I can fight my way into getting diabetes insipidus or elevating my liver enzymes or anaphylaxis or delirium or passing out Yeah, I do fight “things that might work” if it’s not a deadly side effect too like akathisia because I kinda like sleeping at 1am more than pacing around going insane and getting worse hallucinations not less.

I’ll go to my next appt and tell her to take me off the Adderall and benzos because they’re addictive and I’m not living a junkie life anymore. I’ll stop the clonidine too, to make sure that without the Adderall my bp doesnt go too low. Might as well not take pantoprazole either just so I don’t have to pay some shytty pharmacy (and definitely get osteoporosis later too).

I was in the state hospital until Monday after I controlled myself a couple days. IEAs only last 10 days here before they have to do more court shyt to extend them anyway, and they were feeling pretty hopeless about my case by the weekend anyway so it’s not like they really would do different. Just continue restraining and injecting. Not exhausting at all. The only exhausting part is feeling like I can’t do anything because if I’m not at this address 9am every day, miss a phone call, forget an appointment, leave my apartment when they show up for some meeting way early or way late and get thrown in a cop car and have to spend time in that fking ER dungeon.

You know, I agree with the docs. I am hopeless. There isnt shyt they can do but hurt me more.