And back to the “only willing to take benzos/stimulants” it’s not like I hold a gun to their heads and tell them to prescribe the shyt. They prescribe something, next appointment see if I am about to go ballistic or if I feel the same or better. If I say “I’ve averaged 30,000 steps a day since starting the Seroquel and a lot of those are middle of the night and if I can’t get a rest day soon I’m gonna lose it,” they stop the Seroquel. I haven’t had had things to say about Ritalin when I was on it other than “I don’t like drinking anymore because I never feel drunk,” which wasnt the most concerning thing in the world I guess. I guess I can say Adderall makes me not stress over not eating as much. Not like I never had an issue with eating the decade before starting it or anything though.

But yeah, I do need to change. I’ll become a submissive slave to whoever tf wants. If my case manager says I should go hiking when the wind in the mountains is over 100mph (after I tell her about how I’m limping just to get my meds), I’ll go so I can say I was compliant for once. If my pdoc says I shouldn’t be alone right now, I can find someone to take over all the harming myself I do. Hell, maybe I won’t have to kill myself to die. I just have to get over the constant HATE of feeling controlled. But I can take my own advice and turn it into a kink. I think I have already, that’s why I keep making them file IEAs and pin me to the floor to drug me. I probably wasn’t med compliant because I didn’t want to take something that increased SI, I WANTED to make sure if I wasn’t good the police would come and drag me away, and I might fight back but I probably get off on it. Those moments are my reason for living, yeah. Maybe I’ll go find that porn guy again and tell him I’ll do some REALLY fked up stuff you can’t find too many women willing to do.

I don’t know. I’ll probably go to bed and wake up grateful to live here and for my neighbors and eat my breakfast and be okay until I see my med person then I should probably isolate to cope with the HI safely.