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Things are kind of good today. There was a party after Mass for one of our priests, he turned 97! Our Legion presented him with a plaque and a letter from our Bishop in Raleigh. Everyone was really nice, but I was kinda sad because I felt a little out of place. Usually I don't, but I felt off for some reason. I even wore a really pretty dress.
I don't know what it is, but my mood is sinking. I am thinking it's not even my guy anymore, there is something just wrong with ME. Maybe the fact that the lady from Tarboro who had the possible job for me didn't show up and I was really hoping for that. This job thing is causing me such distress. I know if I budget better, I will be able to survive on just my disability, but my rent just went up, NYS Unemployment wants their money, and I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to struggle, but this is causing me so much stress. Also, losing that $100 the other day really hurt a lot. I wish I knew what to do. Worst of all, I can't tell my parents, I just can't.
The self-loathing is hitting me hard too. I know the reason I felt out of place at the church party this morning is because of how ugly I feel. I hate myself so much. Why can't I just be grateful for what I have? Why is this so hard?
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