But it's not like there's a ton of elevation gain. I mean, before things got bad again I'd do hikes that are 4 miles one way with 3,000ft of climbing (then go back down) like nothing, so a couple hours around the city because I have no other way of going places other than taking the bus (which is money) and because I'll get so much pent up energy if I do literally nothing all day I'll go fking insane.

I think that's partly why I kinda like the ED, I have less energy overall and it only takes a bit of walking to not feel like I'm going to explode instead of having to do 10K runs and constantly be doing this that and the other thing and 5 minutes of being forced to be patient would drive this gal insane. I've been quieter lately, not having to run outside to scream just to get it out, not interrupting people when they talk, not cussing loudly every time something falls, not rambling for hours about 100 topics. Hell, that's probably why my case manager keeps saying "I sound so much better." Because I'm not myself.

I have a therapist but I don't even know what we do in there. Can't get a dietician (I'm still waiting on a GI referral for after telling my PCP I'm crying from pain every time I eat a normal-sized meal and am throwing up more blood than usual afterwards) from over a month ago. I can't even get Zofran packaged in a way I can open when I need it ffs. I had to fight for months to get my insurance to cover dozens of thousands of dollars worth of hepatitis meds (which was just one round of treatment).

I actually might be able to get a dietician, but probably not. My last labs were "normal," I have to be referred or pay out of pocket and I don't think my PCP gives a damn enough (I forget which scale they used, but while at the hospital the nutritionist gave me a 2 on the malnutrition scale and the highest it goes is 5 so I doubt that meets whatever bs criteria they use to see if a referral is warranted), and I ain't paying hundreds of dollars for a doc to tell me in 15 minutes to eat more (of this and that). I already know what healthy eating looks like, I just don't because (in case anyone hasn't noticed) I have very minimal will to live or life-preservation instinct, definitely not enough to outweigh the chronic passive/frequently active suicidal ideation.