I am in hospital.
Not tor my ED.

I just saw my IP pyschiatrist

This morning, I restricted breakfast.

Of course, my ED " voice " was telling me to be secretive, but when she asked me if I felt I am getting worse in hospital, I looked at the floor and told her that I restricted breakfast.

Sbe asked me if it was about feeling a sense of control, or about feeling anything at all...

Told her, well,both.

Told her the " high" it gave me,.

She had already told me that as this isn't an EDU if I am restricting it, it would be grounds for
discharge.

I am voluntary.
So, technically I could say I want to leave at any
e time.

And I was expecting her to d/c me right then, after confessing to my restricting.

My ED WANTED her to kick me out, go back " home" to my old familiar and very sick patterns.

I never want to eat again.

My doctor also told me to get out of my room, I have been isolating.

But that stupid television, the chatter, the hilarity, the light-

I can't bear it.

Lunch is in an hour.

I am anxious over it.

Nurses will be asked to bother me as to whether I have eaten.

But if I become medically compromised they will d/c me.

Pyschiatrist is eager and optimistic about ECT.

My OP Pyschiatrist/ therapist very positive about it too.

I am resigned.

I keep thinking in distortion...

So, after having anorexia for most of my life, being in and out of tx, I have " insight", yet even now at a healthy weight which gives me a dx of "Atypical" anorexia ( which my ED tells me is not valididating.) I recognise my head is still very ill.

And one can d*e of ANY eating disorder at ANY weight.

I am going mad!

I am back and forth and admittedly very black and white in my thinking, ambivalent about going back Into tx as my IP pyschiatrist asked me about.

I should feel good about following my values and being honest with my doctor this morning, but as I am sure you all whom also struggle with an ED that voice" is enraged right now, and threatened.

I despise my body.

I only feel like mysejf when very emaciated.

Right now...feel like I am taking up too much space....

Quite literally.

And I told my doctor here I don't think i will ever get better....from any if it.
Can't see my ever having a richer life.

She said she thinks it is possible.

Asked her a couple questions about ECT-said, depression has already blunted my creativity, will ECT blunt it too?

She told me it shouldn't.

* As I asked in my intro, please no ECT horror stories.

Sorry to be all over the place in this post...i just wanted to.reach out on this board.as I am clearly struggling and just needed to express this.

I so hope I have not triggered any of you

Please,please take good care, everyone, and thank you for reading if you have...