I can relate so much to what of what you wrote, especially the back and forth in black and white thinking. Too freaking frequently I go from "I'm going to get better" to "I'm going to make damn sure I die of this thing soon" when thinking about recovery and it's disorienting.

"feel like I'm taking up too much space...quite literally." Same, my friend. I'm in subsidized transitional housing for people in recovery, escaping domestic violence, etc. and I feel I shouldn't be here because there's some women out there sleeping under tarps, in cars, etc. that can't handle that as well as I can (honestly, if I had better relationships skills and someone to do it with, I could do a Christopher Knight type lifestyle, or if I were back at a more physically healthy state I could spend my life walking back and forth on the Appalachian Trail and probably love it more than waking up to the first bus drive by, walking by the homeless camps to get my meds every day and be interrogated for not taking any PRNs or be interrogated for taking all the PRNs or some other bs, now that spring is here there's gonna be a lot of loud motorcycles, fireworks every weekend, tourons everywhere, be attacked by flies, ticks, and mosquitos daily, all the stuff associated with the weather people like because of some hatred of putting on a coat or not wanting to shovel every now and then or something dumb).

(I do have kind of a post I wrote in a weird state on an ECT session I had recently, but if you saw that, do know that was out of paranoia and distrust from PTSD and I'm sure nothing crazy happened. It's really not a horrible treatment, if I could go back to the hospital I did it the first time (transportation there will be an issue now) and keep up with maintenance treatments, I'd do that over meds any day because the side effects are just way more tolerable and, statistically, it works better. I don't think I really got "helped" much my first round because they thought they were just treating bipolar mood episodes and I wasn't in therapy or any treatment for what now they've added as PTSD, SUD, an eating disorder that's constantly changing presentation, BPD, and ADHD, and also was in an incredibly stressful living situation, which generally ECT is more for depression/mania/psychosis than the various problems stemming from trauma/environment/situational stress).

If you do it, I hope it helps. It shouldn't blunt your creativity, and if it works you could likely gain the creativity depression took away back. I remember doing a lot of creative writing during my first round and it wasn't horrible stuff either.