Sorry you're struggling so much right now. I understand "difficult 'borderline' brat" thing too. I'm not sure but I think you're implying you have BPD too? It's hard because we (or at least I am) the way I am because that's how I grew up was "normal" and "how to survive childhood," and these things just get so deeply ingrained they're so hard to change. Therapy's hard with a fear of abandonment, the tendency to split, not knowing how to balance boundaries, being really impulsive and self-sabotaging, having a hard time consistently trusting someone else, and maybe even experiencing countertransference from your therapist/providers or even "burning them out" with all this making next time even harder to feel hope for.

I don't really know how to seek "real" help right now. I know I can do it on my own (gonna have to if I want to), but honestly don't want to. If I can be real for a second, I was addicted to opioids, alcohol, meth, and dabbled with other stuff for a while, and I feel like this eating disorder is a replacement. It's something my obsessive mind can attach to and indulge in all the time, and it won't even land me in jail.