I wish I could give you a simple answer to your question. It sounds like you did some things you really didn't want to do. But is it possible you didn't have any way of knowing how much it would hurt you at the time? Maybe it's not her you hurt but yourself by going against what you feel comfortable with. But it's tough, especially at such a young age, because we don't always know how it's going to make us feel at the time. Since you mentioned apologies, I almost get the feeling that you want to be forgiven, but not from her, rather from yourself.