Yesterday I saw something on the internet - I don't remember what it was - that had that "heartwarming" mood to it. As I laughed along at whatever wholesome thing it was, I suddenly found my body trying to switch into crying. I wasn't aware of any sad feelings, actually I was giving myself a lot of joy that day by sleeping in, playing guitar, and having a little to drink and smoke, since my work goes on break for the summer. I held the feeling at bay at first, but then it happened again - like I was choking - and I thought for physiological reasons I would just "let it out." (I was alone in my apartment, so had the freedom to do this.) I'm not sure it felt good per se, but like scratching a deep itch, the kind you might have when you first get a cast removed. I went back to whatever lazy recreational activity I'd been indulging in while mindlessly perusing the internet, and then it happened again: I chuckled at some "pets being friends" type of video and suddenly the laugh turned into a cry again. Like a tickle in the back of my eyes and throat. Or like a dry heave. So I leaned into it again and this time the itch was much deeper. I really hate doing this, but I let myself feel bad, I acknowledged that there was this horrible unhappiness in me (an unhappiness that is beyond repair), I admitted to myself that I missed so-and-so, that I wished this-and-that, that I was terribly worried about everything. I let myself feel the deep yearning and regret and even whispered, barely outloud (like halfway between thinking it and whispering it) some of the thoughts and feelings I will never say. And the cry went full throttle into a spasm, like a heat deep in my chest, and I leaned into it, I let it just throw me forward. I didn't make any sound, but like a deep silent bellow, like a long continuous breath. I'm always afraid to let myself feel this because I don't want to deal with what's lurking in there. Partly I know it's irreparable and something I just have to live with, and partly it's just messy, complicated and a nuisance that will bleed into work and family life in ways I won't be able to clean up.

But when I momentarily let my body handle the despair, I actually felt rejuvenated afterwards. And because I put those unspeakable thoughts into the cry itself, I was able to leave them afterwards. I think in a way I was able to trust my body to cleanse itself of some of this tension.

Of course, this was all predicated on my freedom that day to let loose a little, and it's probable that my substance intake shook some things loose or just made me more susceptible to emotional outbursts. It's an experiment to try to recreate while sober, I guess. Anyway, I'm normally afraid of crying but in this situation I was able to "get it all out" and leave it where I left it for some reason. So I figured I'd share this because I know I can't be the only one who bottles up their feelings in here.