Sorry this turned out so long, but I really needed to clear my head. I hope that’s okay.

And thank you again for your kind words earlier, @Tart Cherry Jam, they truly mean more than you know. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, but it’s so easy to start doubting everything when you feel powerless as a parent.

I honestly don’t know how to handle all of this. Over the past few days, I’ve noticed the pack of diapers I bought him is starting to run out. I didn’t say anything, I wanted to wait and see if he would bring it up himself, or if he might start taking from his brother again like he has before.

But last night, when it was just the two of us sitting on the couch, he actually brought it up himself. I could see how hard it was for him. He barely looked at me, and he was so nervous. I tried to gently ask why he wanted them, and I made sure to tell him I wasn’t mad and that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

I also carefully mentioned that I’ve noticed he’s had accidents sometimes, whether intentional or not, I honestly don’t know, but it only ever seems to happen when he’s wearing a diaper. Never otherwise. I asked if he had noticed too, like that time we were talking and I realised his diaper was wet but he didn’t seem aware of it. I asked if he had any idea why, or if he wanted to talk about it, or if maybe it would help to speak with someone, like a doctor. That’s when he got really upset. He yelled that there’s no way he’s talking to any doctor and that I should just stop caring so much. Then he stormed upstairs to his room.

I went up a bit later. I tried to be as calm as I possibly could and told him I love him more than anything, and that I ask questions because I care, not because I’m angry or think he’s done something wrong. I said we’ll figure out what to do about more diapers next time we’re at the store.

But it just feels so strange buying diapers for him if this might be something sexual… At the same time, if it were sexual, wouldn’t he try to hide it more? At home, he’s not secretive about it at all anymore. And I’ve noticed he actually seems calmer at times when he’s wearing one. I don’t want him walking around feeling anxious. He takes care of everything himself, he’s never asked for help. And over the years he’s helped change his younger siblings, so he knows what he’s doing.

I immediately felt like I probably pushed too hard last night, again. I have such a hard time holding back when I see a chance to ask him something. The fear that there might be something serious going on just takes over. And when he shuts down completely and refuses to talk, I only get more worried.

I just wish I knew something. Anything. Just to stop my imagination from running wild. Right now, it feels like I’m completely in the dark, and the more I try to piece things together, the more I scare myself.

He usually gets anxious whenever we’re going to be away from home for a longer stretch, like for the whole day. He always insists on going to the bathroom once or twice before we leave, and he tends to stay in there for a while. It seems to help him calm down for a bit.
When he was younger, back in early elementary school, he had a similar kind of anxiety. Back then, it turned out to be about being afraid of public restrooms. He eventually outgrew that, but now the anxiety seems to be back, just in a different way. And only when we’re going somewhere for a longer time.

I just want to do the right thing. I want to be there for him, to support him, and to show him he’s not broken or weird. But I also don’t want to look the other way if there’s something we actually need to take seriously. I love him so, so much. And it breaks my heart to see him struggling, especially when I don’t know why.

I feel really alone in this, and it would mean a lot to hear if anyone else has experienced something similar, or even just to hear how you might think or feel if you were in my shoes.