Summary of the post for those who struggle reading longer posts: I'm struggling with how differently my life has turned out (compared to what I wanted) because of choices i made when I was, unknowingly, experiencing either mania or hypomania (not sure which one it would be considered).

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Moving recently, and the end of the school year, has me reflecting a bit about where I'm at in life. And, it hit me: I feel like I failed because my life is nothing like I wanted it to be. But, I didn't fail. The reason my life looks completely different is because of choices I made when I was, unknowingly, first experiencing bipolar symptoms (either manic or hypomanic, not sure which it's considered) caused my life to take a drastically different turn.

I don't know, this feeling of failure despite it being bipolar's fault just stood out to me because it's the first time I've felt like I've failed because of my bipolar disorder. Not a fun feeling to have at all.

And, I think one of the reasons I expect my mood to be on the low end throughout the summer is because all this down time leaves few distractions from this fact that I don't like how my life has turned out.

I'd give anything to go back in time and actually reach out for help when I had the thought "If this isn't bipolar disorder, I don't know what is." But, I was quickly to lost in the manic (hypomanic?) thoughts to get the help I needed. Because I can't go back in time to make my life go in the way I wanted, it feels like the choices I made when experiencing undiagnosed, unrecognized, symptoms have led to a life sentence of being unhappy because I'm always going to want what I can no longer have.

I hope my pdoc appointment will go in a way where I can talk with him about this on Tuesday.