You are not going to believe this. I thought i "fell in love" with R in February. R rejected me because he has a girlfriend, which he neglected to tell me after flirting with me for two weeks and inviting me over to his home, where we would be alone together. He seemed so fit, and buff, and healthy, and exploding with energy. He seemed smart, and sharp, and intellectual.

I was really angry with him for being misleading. I played many pranks on him and really made trouble for him. Now, it's months later and i saw him today and he is nothing like the R i remembered. One, he's so skinny he looks sickly. He's a smoker. He has the speech pattern of someone with an intellectual disability.

He's just some dumb guy!

Why did i waste all that time and energy and grief over this guy who i am repulsed by physically, and pity intellectually? I really MUST have bipolar after all. Only a hypomanic episode would have caused me to have got so excited by a guy who is 55 and works entry-level at Walmart, is a committed smoker, and talks like he has an intellectual disability. I really looked at him thru rose-colored glasses.

What a gigantic waste of time, tears, and energy.

I think he's an object of compassion and pity among my neighbors [he's a neighbor], and people are pissed-off at me for being such a trouble-maker towards him. I've really offended a lot of people, by being unkind to R.

Argh, what a mess!

Really embarrassed too by how i tried to woo him sexually. Everyone must think i'm a sexpot cougar. I sexted him too, so he's got explicit evidence right on his phone. How he must laugh about me with his male neighbors and friends!

I don't know how many of you have seen "Baby Reindeer" on Netflix but it was a very tame, small-scale, short-lived version of that. I'm baffled at how my mind could have played tricks on me to think he was such a sexy hunk, how with his energy he must have been "a wild-man in bed" which i texted him.

Best case scenario, he was flattered by my "sexual desire" for him. Generally, guys LIKE to think of themselves as sex objects. I certainly went too far with the pranks, but hopefully he found them amusing rather than malicious.

At any rate, i ceased with the pranks about a week ago, when i crashed and tried to give my dog away because i am such a lousy person. My dog is back with me and i am doing melatonin therapy for my five-month's worth of chronic insomnia. It's going well.

Still unpacking this recent episode of hypomania. Lot's of good things came out of it, but it was very intense, and unsustainable, and i am glad it is over. I have a lot of rebuilding to do, but most of it will take the form of being quiet and peaceful, and minding my own business. I won't be explaining to R that i have bipolar, because he DID mislead me, and i feel he got what he deserved. He knows that i am neurodivergent, but he doesn't know the nature of my difficulties, and he has no right to know.

I didn't do anything illegal or amoral, i just played pranks, and made trouble. I am glad i expressed my anger with him, even in such oblique ways. At least i didn't plunge into a depression when he rejected me. I reacted with hot anger, and it was very energizing and at least *i* am amused by the things that i did. I think it's sort of cool that a guy exploited me and i got burnt and showed him what it was like to hurt. He'll think twice before he tries to ffuucckk with another woman.

I sort of feel like i exorcised some of my demons on him, demons left over from my divorce, when i was too sick, and at such an extreme disadvantage financially, that i could not take out on my ex-husband. It's too bad that R had to take the brunt of my rage with my ex, but i am glad that i am finally turning my anger outwards. Not with a great deal of dignity or success, but at least i am doing SOMETHING other than inflicting it on myself.