Thanks @June08. That helps to try and put it in kind of context. I think when I get ...I don't know exactly what to call it... an attack of horrible rage, then I feel some kind of fear and guilt in real time as it's happening, so that might lead to the feelings of being an alien and not being a real human or whatever it is. I'm not on any medication but I might be self-medicating with alcohol. Also, I've heard that thing you said, the wish to have never existed in the first place. Sorry to hear you struggle with that at times. I think my rage gets so intense that to never have existed is less satisfying than the wish to SH or something. It's almost like I am glad I exist so I can punish myself for existing.