Hello.

Just pathetic me again. Forgive me for not being very supportive past few days.

After just a few days of heavily restricting the voice of Dr.S. my pyschiatrist and therapist trying drill into.my head that " The older you get, the less ab*se your body can take"-and certainly. I am already so fatigued two nights in a row have crashed out very early, and upon waking( still, still exhausted) shocked to look at my med blister pack to discover I had not even taken my night meds...

This is terribly uncharacteristic of me.

I have not been able to sleep without meds since I was 17...and often even on my heavy " cocktail " still can't sleep at all.

Consequences.

And....um...yesterday, outside, had another fall.
Already. After about a year not having had one...
Hurt my foot. With my osteopenia had to go to.emerg to get an x ray, but" just a sprain"...had mentioned to the triage nurse my few days of restricting, she was lovely but it made me so sad when she asked," Who supports you with your eating disorder?" Looked at the floor, quietly said my pyschiatrist however only when my health is failing, or the maddening intrusive " voice" of the ED forces itself to the forefront of my mind , and I start heeding it's demands, it's sick.lying promise I am " not alone anymore"...

Said. As you can see in my chart, have a whole myriad of mental health dxs he also needs to focus on with me...

The emerg doctor was also kind, but...such a chronic " case" needing medical attention, all she could do was offer me something to.eat...and. forgive me, friends, I said that old, familiar and echoing,"No thank you."

Told to see my GP in two days.
How?
Weekend.
Will be lucky if I call tomorrow and get to see him this week...

I am on that horrible bullet train again...it isn't stopping.

My old terror had returned.

My depression so bad I dream very sad dreams now.

A lot of haunting loss...

At least my freaking high school dream.this morning which has not dissipated.

I know...my brain is already starved.

It scares me to have to finally admit that Dr.S had always been right...

I am trying hard not to go into triggering details...Just...know that I hate myself so much for not taking care of myself.

I am both numbed out and needing to weep for hours until the poisons of my past are buried deep, never to torment me again...

As well as how triggering an unsafe dump this building has now has become.

Yet another person named on the front door banned from trespassing.

In fact, downstairs a whole " wall of shame" of all these criminals legally not permitted to enter the building.

Ugh...sorry.

Apparently my brain, my already poor straved brain is triggering g my CPTSD symptoms, triggering stress hormones, the adrenaline, the cortisol surging through my brain and body...afraid all the time.

And my eating disorder already controlling me and affecting physically and mentally.

So in a thousand kinds of ways it is, I acknowledge, back in full force.

Already back to wandering grocery stores at first with the motivation of the " best of intentions " and again, end up overwhelmed, bewildered...too many choices what can I manage?

I don't think I need to ramble on about this anymore, I know you all sadly will well understand...know how ashamed I am to share that, although I recognise I am already quite ill, still " atypical"...I have not been trying, not at all...

I think...trying to quell my frightening rage of late...perhaps rather, as is my patten, turning it on myself....

Thank you for reading if you have, my thoughts, my heart, are with all of you who are also struggling...

Please take good care, all.