Thank you for your empathetic reply, @Blueberrybook.

I am having such a terrible day.

I can't abide these longer days, I hate being in my depressing space, can't handle sitting in the park with a coffee, alone, with people walking their dogs, couples with a stroller, sketchy people accosting me.

I long for deep dreamless sleep. But dread the inevitable attack of nightmares or bizarre dreams I am meant I suppose to decipher. Process.

I was glad to see your positive post about how well you did with all the food at your family gathering.

What a win!
You should drink in a sense of accomplishment and so hope you know how strong you are.

As to your fear of your veering into a hypomanic state, I can only listen and tell you that it pains me you suffer from what I have seen in old friends suffering from the horrible illness that bipolar is, without ever having to endure it, that it must be so scary..

....So great you did not push yourself to overexersise, but did gentle pilates which I hope left you feeling grounded, and a little more relaxed.

Keep fighting.

And forgive me for your having to endure all my darkness here.

Thank you for your kindness.

Please keep extending that same kindness to yourself.