@Autumn88 - This is what this board is for, getting out your dark feelings (use the trigger box if you fear they are too triggering). Better take it out writing on this board than doing something like self-harming or something to punish yourself unduly. You can write about the darkness in a journal, but I do find sharing it with people who understand helps me so much more than journalling. It makes me feel less like a freak if you know what I mean? Keep fighting...the fact that you are surviving with an ED for so long means you are a fighter and haven't given up yet. I wish you could find some happiness in your life a friend something like that or even a pet (or are you not allowed to keep pets or feel you can't handle the responsibility?). I have 3 cats and being more independent than dogs are much less work, but still responsbilities especially if you find yourself in frequent hospitalizations with no one to care for them while you are gone.