Reading through this whole conversation, I'm curious, and I will be straightforward about my curiosity - please don't take it as me being insensitive, it's just the opposite, bc I know what it's like to be on both ends of the question I am about to ask you:

Do you truly want insight regarding if what you did was gesture or attempt .. or are you seeking validation or perhaps even "permission" to tell yourself that what you did was "not that bad", yet somewhere deep down you still want attention given to what you did simply bc you know it's a cry for help, no matter if it was gesture or attempt?