I noticed that whenever I don't receive a quick enough reply from someone on text or messenger that I get insecure about the content of my message.
I worry I have said or done the wrong thing. It's very noticeable in me, and I am just now clueing into my insecurity around this. I am being hyper vigilant about how I am. I have to learn to dismiss the insecurity and not worry about it. UGH. Growth is HARD.
I also got triggered yesterday by seeing an ex bf Sunday night at a show. He came onto me and wouldn't stop touching my hair, telling me its beautiful.
He friended me again on Facebook (I had blocked him when he harassed me on FB over the election), and I reluctantly accepted his request. He has been messaging me, with many compliments. It's obvious he is coming onto me.
I am having trouble enforcing strong boundaries here. I know that he
I have spoken many times with a more recent ex fiance of his, who gave me explicit details about his abuse towards her.
Specifically, he has
Even though I am friendly with his ex fiance, I still accepted his friend request out of fear that he would talk crap about me if I don't. He talks crap about all of his ex's - they're ALL CRAZY or DRUG ADDICTS, according to HIM. I messaged his ex fiance about this last night, and she didn't reply yet.
But, we know that when a guy says every ex is crazy and unstable, that the problem typically is HIM, and not the women. That's precisely how an abuser behaves. It's textbook behavior.
So I also reached out to the friend I went camping with last night about it, telling her I was freaked out that he had come onto me Sunday night. She knows him and is friendly with him. She didn't reply yet, which is telling me that she may not be very good with how to provide support.
So I am insecure about these messages I've sent to two women. And I am triggered by him coming onto me.
He wrote me yesterday morning, saying "good morning beautiful!". UGH.
Once again, I cannot seem to escape from the toxicity. All he talked about Sunday night was an ex gf of his who is "crazy" and who stole his credit card from the bar. He is always telling stories about female drama. I noticed this two years ago and that's why I broke up with him - and it continues on even today.
So I am beating myself up over accepting his friend request, and about my own weakness in not being able to enforce a stronger boundary with him. I am too afraid of him talking crap about me to everyone. I already know that my ex husband has talked crap to my city friend group. His best friend outright ignored me when he saw me recently at a show, whereas before he had not been that way.
Why should I care? Well, right now, my music scene is all I have for a social life, and am protective of my reputation. That's why.
So, in other words, I am still dealing with triggers, insecurities, and fears around abuse.