Hi everyone.

I've had depression on and off for as long as I can remember, but this most recent hit of it has been the absolute worst.

If you're a Harry Potter fan, it's almost as if all of my joy has been completely sucked out by a Dementor.

This started in November 2024, and it genuinely felt quite instant the way my whole view on the world switched. I haven't felt like myself since, and because it's been a few months now, I have reached a point of feeling like I am a complete stranger to myself. I don't recognise who I am, and I don't remember who I used to be.

All I know is that I used to feel much better than this, and no matter what I try, I frustratingly cannot return back to my previous state of mind.

My doctor has prescribed me some antidepressants that I have never tried before, so I reluctantly said yes. Usually, I am hesitant to try medication, as I've had some awful side-effects and withdrawal symptoms I never want to experience again.

As well as this, I've now been given a date for talking therapy, but it's over the phone. This wouldn't be too bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I occasionally have terrible reception where I live. I can work around this of course, so it's not that big of a deal. The 10th of June is my first appointment.

I've been on the meds for a few months now, and I have noticed no change in my mood. In fact, I feel as though I have gradually become more and more depressed as time has gone on. I have no hope for the talking therapy, because I've also had that many times in my life, to the point where I can already predict what the therapist will tell me to do. I'm doing all the things I should be doing, but nothing is working.

I guess my question is, am I stuck like this? I know I have crawled my way out of bouts of depression before, but this time it feels so much heavier. This time, it is like I am crawling in the wrong direction, or I cannot find the light. I want so badly to get better, but as each day passes with no change, the only sense of relief I get is when I think about doing something... cowardly.

I'd love to be able to just rot away in bed all day, but I have people who rely on me and responsibilities I cannot ignore. Every morning I feel burnt out before the day has even begun. I need to recharge, but I don't know how. I just want the world to stop for a week or two, so I can just breathe. Sometimes I genuinely think about just running away. I'm 33 years old, so it feels a bit silly to say that, but it is an enticing idea.

I wish I could wholeheartedly believe that there is an end to this despair, but I can't even imagine it, let alone see it.