Thank you, Lost and LT. I have been failed by a lot of people. I don’t want to be the same way. I’m trying my best to be good and not hurt others. Like I feel really bad lately about my high expectations. Like L. She gives me so much grace to make mistakes and even fail. But when she does, I become a very harsh critic. I give my mom more grace than her and my mom failed me way worse.

I try hard to do the best that I can for the people in my life. It’s why I fight. It’s why I see the doctors and take my meds. Like L. She’s lost 2 people in an unexpected way. If I were to die, I’d be the third person to hurt her. Or H. As many problems as we have, he needs me. Really. I seriously don’t know how he’d cope. Like me, he doesn’t have very much. He lives for me and our dogs. If I die, he’d lose everything. He can’t care for the dogs on his own. And my mom. She’s basically been disowned by her other 2 daughters. She barely has a relationship with her grandchildren and no relationship with her great grandchildren. She doesn’t have much either. I can’t provide much, but I know losing me would hurt everyone greatly. It’s hard though. I suffer so they don’t have to. When do I get to suffer less? So I try these drugs and treatments.

The clinic is trying to get my insurance to approve treatments twice a week for 4 more weeks. I don’t believe it will work, but I’ll try it just because there’s not much else. And whenever they get my billing correct, yes, I’ll try TMS. I draw the line at ECT. I won’t do that. I really am going to get off most my meds though. Only 2 are proven to work. I’ll probably lose my pdoc when I get the courage to stand up to her, but whatever. All her “cocktails” haven’t worked.

I just don’t want to hurt people. Even people here. I don’t want to contribute to people’s pain. All the good that people have done for me, I want to give it back. I try. I just feel like I fail. I can’t have children, I can’t have a career. But I have care and love and time.