LT, that’s kind of what H said. He said I should have a higher expectation of her because of her profession and responsibilities. He said that like a doctor or a nurse: if they mess up, it can take a life.

But I think both of what you said are more core to my high expectations. I did have to lower my expectation of my mom in order for her to be in my life and not hurt me anymore. Interesting though, she has changed for mostly the better. She’s not the same person she was when I was growing up. I actually don’t understand my sisters problem with her. She loved them, spoiled them, and protected them their entire childhood.

L would never hurt me on purpose. She doesn’t retaliate or punish me. She always forgives and does take responsibility. I do think I take things out on her because she is safer. Same with H. But even more so with her because it’s expected of me to tell her things. Since she (indirectly) triggers me so much, she gets the brunt of my anger.

Still none of it is an excuse. I’m an adult now and I should know better especially since I am able to process things on my own and with others. It has taken almost a year now to get to the realization that I’m too hard on her. Should have only taken me a few weeks.

I think I’m also selfish with her because of the structure of therapy. I’ve almost been trained to put myself first with her. I’m not expected to consider her position and feelings when something triggers me. The focus is on me. But again, no excuse for the way I treat her. She’s still a human being and deserves to not be judged by an outsider.

I texted her yesterday. I did apologize. I wonder how she will respond. Probably with forgiveness.

With H, I do admit to being a ***** a lot. He says I’m not. He also says I’m not a bad person. However, I wonder if H forgives me because he needs me so much. L doesn’t need me. She’s not supposed to.

Just thinking again what you said, LT. maybe that’s why my relationship with my mom is so good. She wasn’t a safe person and because of my lower expectations, I’m not really open with her. She knows facts of what I deal with, but barely any of the emotions. I think she knows. She’s always telling me she’s there, that I can go to her. She’s even told me that I can stay with her whenever I need to. I also don’t feel comfortable with touch with her. I do hug her and let her kiss me on the cheek, but it’s out of respect. It’s not a comfort to me like L and H. But with the sturdy boundaries with her, it’s really hard for me to be disappointed in her.