Hello, friends...

So, for once I have some POSITIVE news to share! Yes, ME...however still struggling in many respects.

Will begin with the positives.

Over the past believe 4 days I have been eating again.

No, not at all the three meals and two to three snacks a day as I was taught every time I have been in treatment, not anywhere near what every dietian would say is enough food, or what my GP has repeatedly told me is nearly enough calories,, and letting x or more hours go without eating as they also drilled into me in treatment, but HAVE been listening to my hunger cues, which are still all over the place and indeed a signal I ought to have had those three meals two to three snacks a day, which can trigger both restricting and bingeing...

But THREE days in a row, have had breakfast, but as much as I can manage, because yes still ( especially because I am trying to mute it out) have the ED " voice " loudly ordering me around, and with every bite, it berates me, tells me I am going to get f*t, tries to tell me what foods are safe" and which are " forbidden" and is very very loud when I don't listen, don't restrict...well, aware I am still in a calorie deficit, and find myself estimating calories, and the tremendous guilt and fear while eating and afterward remain.

I bought some " new" thrift store summer skirts and dresses that are lovely, but when I had to pick through the store rack and bypass the size I was a year ago, I felt this dark longing this disgust, this shame, this sense of failure...

Lovely things to wear but a " Bad body image day"?

This is my everyday ALL day.

I am not really body checking, but still feel this adult woman's body is not me,is uninhabitable, an object.

But another positive is that the past two days as both my ED and OCD order me to do-hop outta bed and step on the scale first thing in the morning, check my BMI, record it had begun to again be my old familiar compulsion, weighing myself multiple times a day, and either getting my dopamine hit if the number had dropped, or anxiety, and again sense of failure if it had stayed the same, or was higher....

I have stayed off that scale!!!

And even my GP does not weigh me. Saying. " I think it's best you not know."

(Even being weighed backwards causes me anxiey.)

But what else is a positive?

I have been drinking more water, probably still not enough, but also not too much, as that has always dropped my sodium level.

I have stopped a couple other behaviours, but still tempted...

Long story but have my best friend. My only friend back in my life, asking me to have a picnic with me, and my feeling frantic over all the food he said he's gonna bring. Shamefully putting g him through my annoying nonsense again," That's so much food!" " I'm gonna get f*t!"

And he says, patiently," No,it's not. I want you to enjoy your life."

And just yesterday he made me something for lunch,(He has chef training, so can cook amazing food.), and bought me something for dinner

It used to really make me angry that I felt ( and still do) thst he presses food on me, and not just when I have been emaciated ( when I was seriously ill I would defiantly refuse food from him, ignoring my healthy "voice," that he always was/does make me food or but me food out of concern and love.) but now that I am an obvious healthy weight...

Forgive me for such a long post, and believe me, this is not perfection, I am aware that I am still sick, and even my pyschiatrist/ therapist said recently," I think your eating disorder will always be an issue, something that will never completely go away, but can only be managed."

As well the echo of my IP therapist telling me at my age, with how long I have suffered and how many times I have been in treatment, my chance of recovery is, pardon the " pun", slim.

This is all very disheartening, depressing...

It makes me feel like I will be plagued with fearing gaining weight, of shamefully comparing when in public, and that " voice,"...

I have so much stress, feel empty of identity, purpose, which the ED tells me it can easily provide me with, and that temptation to numb my overwhelming emotions, be my best friend....

But...I am trying my best right now.

But frustrated I have not been taking the best care of myself. When I know HOW to-

But as well as hating my body as I mentioned, I despise my INNER self, HATE whomever I am. Feel I do not deserve to be good to myself...

Turmoil.

And sorry, will stop now...

If you have endured reading this post, thank you.

And know that all of you, whatever ED you are afflicted with, keep fighting.

Much love to you all.