Keebler,
You are in a tough spot. As I read your post two things came to my disordered mind.
1. ADHD or not you should NOT tolerate his verbal abuse. My H has his own mental issues and has a serious problem dishing out VB. I avoided addressing this issue and it continued to escalate until I realized one day that I had become depressed and withdrawn. When he was not able to get his power drain or whatever from abusing me he started directing his VB on our children. ADHD or not don't do this to yourself! Your bf is an adult and no matter what his dx is, he needs to find ways to control himself and treat other appropriately. The fact that he is not interested in taking medication or managing his symptoms in some other way and is instead simply blaming his ADHD suggests that he is not accepting responsibility for his actions. The orange caution flag should be waving in your head.

2. With your schooling I am sure it is tempting to feel like you need to help steer him in the right direction to better manage his symptoms. I simply caution you here. Did your bf specifically ask you to help him with his ADHD? If not, I would recommend that you decide if you can have a relationship with him the way he is. Then only give him suggestions when he asks for them. If you think he has a significant problem the encourage him to get treatment from another professional. It is his choice to get treatment; it's your choice to stay with him or not.

As an ADHD suffer myself if I put myself in your bf shoes I know how I might respond to you making even small suggestions on what I should be doing. I would likely get angry and defensive and say something like..."I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR PATIENTS! Stop analyzing me and telling me what I should and shouldn't do! Unless I asked for your help in managing my impulses, I would not be interested in hearing your suggestions. You bf may be totally different-- you mentioned that he was identified as having ADHD as a child, I was not. So our life experiences (and our response to outsiders) may be totally different.

All I can say is that I can be a bit challenging to deal with at times. I'm sure a lot of my relationship issues stem from my on going pre-frontal cortex malfunction...brain chemistry whatever.. My medication and therapy seems to help with that; but it doesn't totally eliminate the problem. In my case I think more of my interrelationship issues stem from how I was treated by others during childhood as a result of being a bit --off the beat and path. If you read some of the posts in this forum you will see that most ADHD sufferers not only face the challenges of dealing with their own brain functions, they face a lot of chronic criticism from others (parents, teachers, peers). As you've probably studied about in you coursework the latter is more subtle but can be much more profound. If your bf tends to be defensive and unwilling to discuss his symptoms with you, don't be offended. It likely has little to do with you and a lot to do with how he was treat by other in the past.

Sorry for the long response... I just recommend that you read as much as you can and try to appreciate what it is like for ADHD sufferers. Maybe do some self reflection of your own and determine what you can and cannot live with and communicate your needs directly. And finally, no matter how tempting it may be... do not attempt to treat him yourself.. refer him to an outside party and simply be supportive when asked by HIM.

I hope you continue to read and post here. It is good for us to get a glimpse of what the other side is having to deal with too.