Hi Jeff, thank you for your kind words of understanding, you raise some interesting points in your message.

I started my journey of recovery in mid-2017 and have certainly made big inroads to improving my relationships with our grandies – as well as our adult sons.

My relationship with my eldest was always quite balanced – less so with my youngest but I saw so much of ‘me’ in him that I wanted to change, and he resisted! It’s much better now that I’ve shared some of my childhood challenges with them, shared some of my journey in therapy as well.

It took me far too long ‘to see my father in me’ whereas I quite readily ‘saw my father in my siblings’ – which was interesting !

Writing my letter was extremely difficult, very challenging but certainly therapeutic in the end. I wrote it at the behest of my therapist and it certainly helped my recovery – but I still get quite frustrated and stress when I revisit it - which suggests that the long road to full recovery remains incomplete. But yes, sharing the letter then, and again now, is part of the healing process.

When asked, I can truthfully answer that I feel quite ambivalent towards my parents now. They didn’t understand what affect they had on me, to ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ was the adage Dad lived by.

And Mum, my traumatic, inconsistent early experiences with her influenced my inability to find comfort or develop a secure sense of trust with either of my parents during my childhood.

My relationship with both of my parents was very challenging, me ending up with a disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style as a dysfunctional pattern of attachment where I struggled with both wanting closeness - and fearing it. I desperately wanted to be close to my Mother but she was more focused on her needs, much less focused on mine.

As to my Father, I desperately wanted him to approve of me so I compromised myself on every level trying to gain that approval – and which I never got. If you can relate to a trauma bond, then that was my dependency contributing to a sense of being ‘trapped’.

I never got to make peace with either of them during their living years - but they never would’ve listened to me anyway !

Reading your message has been quite profound.

You, and I, appear to have found some peace in our hearts for those that wronged us at our most impressionable age.

As for me, I probably wouldn’t have it any other way except to note that I wish that I had understood the dysfunctional influences and resultant dysfunctional behavior well before I did - and hopefully would have done something about it earlier than I did !

Kind Regards
Stu