I'm so sorry you feel that way. I've been there, more than once in my life. In many respects, I'm still there. I agree with you that trying to get help can seem like a struggle in itself, most psychiatrists and counselors want to discharge me as quickly as possible once I've been restored to basic, day-to-day functioning. Trying to make it through the days can feel like wearing a suit made of lead, every step forward requiring so much effort. I don't know how to recommend any help, I just want you to know you're not alone in the way you feel.