It sounds like his symptoms could be due to ADHD or maybe something else. I agree it is not a good idea to blame it all on ADHD, as that may not be the (only) problem. ADHD in adults often is associated with other problems. So an assessment by a professional might be helpful. If he wants to work on his anger, verbal abuse, etc., he could go to therapy. Or the both of you could go to couples therapy to learn better communication skills, explore how to make your relationship better, etc. In the course of this, his verbal abuse and anger would come up and the therapist could help with that. There may be things that come up about you too, and that is OK. Plus it would let him see that he is not the only one "to blame", it is not "all his fault", that he needs to be "fixed" whereas you are perfect, etc. Relationships are two way streets, so your entering therapy with him and being open to changes you can make yourself would be a good model for him.

If he has a goal to manage his ADHD without meds, he could go to a behavioral support group of others with ADHD, where people share coping strategies, behavioral modification ideas, support, etc., with a trained practitioner leading the group. Just because he doesn't want meds doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem anymore. So his first step might just be seeing he has a problem. Then he can explore non-medication options.

You could also look for a support group for yourself for loved ones of those with ADHD. You might learn some things to help you cope and help you help him better.

Good luck!