I am not in a good way these days. I'm functioning and all--can do what needs to be done, but my eating disorder is fairly severe, I know it, it's stronger than me at this point and I don't particularly care to fight it that much.

Last week in therapy I tried to explain it's getting bad. Really bad. She asked me if I'm trying to eat and I said "yes" but I really feel I should have clarified that I don't want to, there are many days I don't, and by "trying to eat" I mean get enough nutrition in me to be able to go outside, sleep, clean, and (most importantly in my mind) not feel the urge to binge. I am not trying to gain or even maintain my weight. If I knew I could go without ending up later binging (esp being unable to fall asleep at night), I wouldn't eat at all, and I wouldn't mind dying because of it.

But because "I'm trying to eat," I'm really not doing bad. "Because I called the emergency line" before self-harming, using, getting drunk, etc. last week, I'm not in the worst position I've been in because at least I asked for help first. Because I don't outwardly appear as emotionally dysregulated as usual (because I honestly don't have the energy to raise my voice, argue, go off on long tangents, or be as expressive really), I "look like I'm doing a lot better."

What I HATED though, was that she said when it gets really bad she'll help me get to the hospital. I don't want to go back. That just made me not want to say anything more about it because I really would rather die than go back to the ER. They won't even send me to an eating disorder IP, it'd be regular psych IP just because I probably wouldn't keep myself from saying "I'd rather die than eat more" and they'd look at it as SI and to be solved at the psych unit where everywhere I go they've said they don't touch eating disorders or (C)-PTSD (which are kinda the biggest problems). They just put everyone on antidepressants or antipsychotics and shove them out the door when they're not going to hurt anyone any more.


I don't get the point of going if we're just going to make sure I don't have to go IP? I mean, I can figure that out on my own, I'm going to therapy to try not NOT go