is so unbearable...a situation with my daughter the wkend really triggered me...I was so far into the trigger that I begun to loose sense of what is real and what is not...when you are existing bodly in the now but emotionally you are in some horror movie...i was so sure that T was no longer emotionally there for me ....its like the worse moment in time being repeated over and over again...i begun to feel ill around my daughter as I percieved her being the problem...that if i could somehow control her...save her from the world, then I too will be safe....today i decided i had to get to the sea...i needed to get somewhere quick....the change in scenery helped me...the car ride down helped me think..the looking out at the beauty of the english countryside as i drove grounded me...all will be ok...evil isn't the only thing that exists....then i begun to turn back in on myself from being inside out....somethign t said on monday about how we can't limit our lifes because of what might happen...even though i wanted to scream at her, but why not? you have too? dont you see all the dangers? don't you realise whats happening? dont you see what i see? Yes thats it, dont you see what I see? almost like the famous psych tale "The electric sofa"? I think its called...where a t enters his clients psychosis with him...i can't control people to prevent me experiencing life...ive got to find that centre of peace within myself and learn to get there even in crisis....oh that place of fear is a lonely scary place to be....nothing is real..you dont understand where you are or who you are or how you got here...and everything noise, movement needs to be checked...like a deer caught in a cars headlights...that moment lasts for ever...i wish this was over....as i sat by the sea I felt a wave of deep saddness come over me...i felt as if my time here is nearly over and i never got to even live it...