I had a very off night, feeling the way I was feeling. I felt really weird, like I didn't belong in my body anymore. I left the band early. I was at the show for only one hour before I got overwhelmed by the large crowd and all the people mushed in together up front near the band. So, I just took off.... I was there on my own but met up with friends. The drive home was SO LONG, even though it was only a half hour. It felt like forever. I passed out HARD.

This morning I feel more like myself.

I think I became overwhelmed by my last post about trauma and about carrying around the trauma wherever I go. I couldn't shake the bad feelings last night. Even on my drive to see the band, I felt strange and thought about turning around and staying home.

I feel a bit lighter today.

How the heck do you get past so much trauma in your life though????? I am scratching my head. I feel ruined. I feel like I am a destroyed person. Damaged goods. No good for anyone. What am I even doing here? Why am I even here? Why did I have to go through SO much abuse all my life? Last night i felt practically re-traumatized. Maybe that's why I couldn't stand being in my body.

Healing is certainly not a linear process - it's jagged and all over the place. I know I am on a healing journey right now, and some days I feel truly knocked off my feet because of it. A lifetime of being bullied and abused, by multiple people - at work and in my romantic life. Then there's my marriage. An abusive marriage for 4 years.

How am I ever to RECOVER?????????