Last night/earlier this morning was just rough. Yesterday I skipped breakfast, had lunch but something not enough for lunch alone let alone to make up for missing breakfast, and then before dinner had something not planned and felt like I overate (I ended up counting the calories of what I actually ate though and it really wasn't a lot even by my standards) but still felt like it was too much volume so tried skipping dinner, couldn't sleep (my mom brought my desk, chair, and curtains over and I got really excited putting them together and was way too hyped up over rearranging everything and making everything great then cleaning up after, and then when I tried going to sleep I just felt the lack of energy hit HARD but also with the lack of calorie consumption for what I did all day I couldn't sleep and knew that so ate more, but then ate even more than I wanted to and then stressed over that) and then ended up taking 2 valium, reading an hour or so, taking a third valium, and then finally going to bed around 1am only to wake up before 5am.
---
I may have said the cheaper grocery store chain (Market Basket) is too far a distance to walk. I had no plans today but really wanted black beans and Gatorade so I figured I'd walk there and if it was too far to walk back the bus goes along the whole route from there pretty much to here and I have a pass in my wallet and could always turn back if just getting there was too far. Well, it's 4 miles one way and I did not take the bus back. There's also a craft store and I figured I had cardboard from the desk/chair stuff I could probably do something with and ended up getting a few decorated pieces of felt paper and a kitchen table cloth from the clearance section for $2.50 total so that was cool.

This might be weird, but also yogurt baby food was like 60 cents per pouch that was pretty much the amount of a regular individual yogurt cup that I actually want to eat, but with different fruit/veggie combos that sounded better than just vanilla or strawberry (I usually get the big containers so I can get more per dollar while customizing the amount I have, but the big containers don't have as fun flavors as like "tiramisu" or "raspberry chocolate" and I end up getting stuff like jello mixes, spices, fruit, chocolate chips or whatever and add those for individual servings), so I got a few of the baby food pouches for myself.
---
Okay, enough food talking. I have therapy tomorrow and I have to figure out what to tell her. Like, obviously not doing great. I think if anywhere closer than the closest store that was open at 11pm (which is like a 10 minute walk but that direction is a sketchy walk after dark) that sold sharp stuff were open I would have gone out and bought something that I could decently hurt myself with. Obviously eating sucks. Sleep hasn't been horrific but it hasn't been good either. I just don't know what to say that indicates I need help without making her want to send me to the hospital (where I will NOT receive help because they will see SI and send me to a plain ole' psych unit because that won't involve setting up a multiple hours long ambulance ride or having to spend days arguing with my insurance for an ED-unit to be covered or anything like that, where they can help depression, mania, generalized anxiety, and psychosis but not anything from complex trauma, personality disorders, or eating disorders).
---
I don't know. I'm gonna go craft and clean and read and journal for a bit.