Hi everyone Please forgive me if this is at all triggering.
Putting a trigger warning icon just in case.

First of all, a disclaimer. By no means am I trying to say I’m a survivor of abuse or that I’m a victim. Absolutely not trying to undermine anyone’s experience and real victimhood. But given what a number of members have experienced here, hopefully you can help me wrap my mind around things. That and I hope that you know that my mother is the light of my life and I love no one else more than I love her and she’s been an extremely supportive bone in my body.

So, when I was a kid from maybe 5 years old up to maybe my preteens, my mother at times would kiss me not the way a mother would kiss, but like someone who is engaging in sex. Like, she would kiss me below my cheek and moan for a few seconds while passionately caressing my cheek. Other times she’d kiss my cheek in a very soft and kind of romantic way. She didn’t do this much, it only happened sometimes. However, at other times she would eye my private area. She wouldn’t be aware I saw her and I’d catch her gazing.
Many times, and this is a big one (I mean in terms of triggering someone here, forgive me please), she would touch me in the private area but like in a cute way, like oh look at what you have down there, cuteness. She even would give that area a cute name that she calls out when she sees me or when she grabs it. Before going to bed sometimes she sees me in her room, gives me goodnight hugs and kisses but for like seconds she would strip me and reveal my private area and begins touching it briefly and calls it cute names. I always thought she was just expressing the cuteness she feels towards me and that she only loves me. In her mind maybe she felt that way and that she had no sexual intentions. But I really don’t know.

Another family member, my oldest sibling, a certified covert narcissist, would wait for me to get close and very quickly gives me a smooch on the lips. It would drive me insane with rage when he did that. Whenever my guard was down he’d sneak a kiss. Other times he would lift my shirt up and begin to sensually kiss my belly on different spots of it with his eyes closed. I here was in my teenage years, and I’ll tell you for a fact that I wanted to snap and send him to hell from the rage I was feeling when he was doing that, but I am weak and was raised with the idea I’m always wrong and that I shouldn’t be angry at those older than me, and so I tend to avoid all sorts of conflict and just take it all in silently.

So yeah, that’s all. It is definitely something I’ve been thinking about lately after a therapy session I had. I’m genuinely a complete prude and grew up a complete imbecile when it comes to sexual matters. Could this have contributed? I don’t know, but what do you guys think overall? Hope you can help me! In my head I’m like this is too small to affect me, but again, I don’t know.

Thank you for giving me your time and reading all this 🙏🏼