My Support Forums - View Single Post - Want to leave treatment team because I'd rather die than go to the hospital again

MuddyBoots · Jun 17, 2025, 01:53 PM

After my CM left today I got a call (like not even 15 minutes after she left) from someone saying they wanted to meet up tomorrow when I get my meds in the morning and discuss goals. She was saying stuff about school and volunteering and work, and I told my CM I was signing up for trail maintenance days at the parks and keep checking when the music school is holding events they need volunteers for. She said she was going to help me set and reach goals.

Last night I ate kind of a lot (I mean, for me, calorie wise I was still at a deficit for the day but I did eat above BMR levels and ended up calling on-call absolutely bawling saying

Possible trigger: SI and cague description of specific purging habit

I wanted to die and then like 30 minutes called again saying I tried purging but blood came up before I even really started (TW about the purging part): (I do a thing where I start hands free to get ready then have to use hands for anything to come up and I didn’t even use my hands when the blood was there).

So combined with my pdoc saying stuff about how if I lose ANY weight by my next appointment I will be hospitalized voluntarily or involuntarily and those calls I’m scared it’s a cover for discussing going back inpatient “because I need a higher level of care if I want to achieve my goals” or some BS.