I don’t get the point of this living thing. Is it supposed to be one of those challenges you do just to prove you can do it, like a single day Pemi loop (it’s a 30-35 mile hike with 9,000-14,000ft of elevation gain depending on start point, whether you skip certain peaks or do the extension, etc. that sane people do in 2-3 days and people like how I was 10 years ago would do in a day just because why hike 6 mountains when you’re sore from hiking 6 the day before when you can just do all twelve in one go and get to carry a lighter pack?) Because I don’t think people that do the whole Pemi in a day actually have a chance to enjoy it, they just do it to do it and get bragging rights or they’re limited on time or hate themselves or something. I get my bragging rights by not trying to die tonight/any other night I haven’t tried dying. A double dose of valium to go to bed instead of leaving the building without intent on returning is my single-day Pemi.

Maybe that’s how I’ll cure my chronic SI: “ I don’t deserve the luxury of not living.” That’s how I stopped ever adding anything to my tea or coffee.