@MuddyBoots:

I'm sure you know this but i'll remind you of it as it seems relevant: the sad fact is that we're wired for survival, not happiness. As far as our biology is concerned, every day that we live is a success. Our brains can perceive that our quality-of-life is mediocre, but at our core, we want to survive at all costs. I know for decades after i was sorry i did. I lived just because i could not die, and i was not willing to risk the trauma of the aftermath of another botched suicide attempt.

But now 26 years later, i am happy and glad i survived. I am enjoying life and loving people and having adventures and enjoying my dog and my home and the beautiful early Summer weather, the perfect June days, our lovely backyard with courtyards and gardens and big shade trees and industrial-grade BBQs and picnic tables and a dog park, etc.

I've been invited to a holy communion party (me and thirty black Rwandans, haha!) and a BBQ just because i was friendly to people and interested in them. People respond to my vibe and it is a wonderful thing! They tell me great funny stories about themselves, they offer to help me, they tell me their problems and i get to be supportive, i get to participate in their struggles and be a message of hope for them, i get a kick out of their accents and idiosyncrasies, on and on.

Hang in there, special one! Your day will come too! A beautiful life awaits you too if only you will last! Five minutes at a time if you have to! It's worth it, you're worth it, Muddy!!!