I realized today I kinda gave up working with my current team. Every thing my pdoc says or does just sounds f'ing stupid (other than not going along with what the hospital did which was prescribe 40mg of diazepam a day, that was probably good she'd "only" give out 30), but she brings up meds and combos that have put me in REALLY bad positions before, like apparently someone with liver damage shouldn't be on high doses of Depakote AND Lamictal at the same time (apparently NOBODY should be on high doses of Depakote and Lamictal at the same time). Found that out when I went inpatient. Then she has me take Risperdal which when I initially took it I spent a couple weeks in the hospital thinking I was breaking into apartments in Lowell, MA, going to get shot for being led to a hunter's cabin in Maine, on a boat in the Atlantic, in some kind of labyrinth, etc. etc. She suggests Tegretol which is on my fking allergy list because when I took it I blacked out for three days and woke up covered in bruises and a rash. Brings up "well what about a small dose of lithium" when that shyt has almost killed me twice between an intentional overdose and just refusal to eat/drink while taking it. Pretty sure I've been at toxic levels more than that though because I remember being on it, not feeling well but had plans to go skiing, get on the road and shyt myself, pull over and vomit... and she suggests Ensures/Boosts when if I don't have a lot of "safe" foods, I definitely don't have any safe DRINKS with calories. I don't know, if I'm going to force myself to have the amount of calories in an Ensure I want to actually enjoy prepping and consuming it, and NOT want to throw up just because it either tastes like warm, sour chocolate milk (somehow even if it's cold) or the Clear kind that tastes like someone took any good flavor out of the fruit and replaced it with whatever tf a lollipop you found on the sidewalk that was in a kids mouth for 3 minutes before even he couldn't tolerate it is. I don't want to spend $15 for six servings of "nutritional meal supplement" either when I can get completely fking wasted for six days straight for less than that (and probably want to puke less too).

I don't even expect any help from my case manager because one minute I'll be saying how I puked a lot of blood when I ate over 30% of what I probably should be eating and just laid on the floor for a couple hours because I couldn't move and the next she's telling me she's going to help me get a bike from some cooperation for a reduced fee so I can get out to more places more often.

I swear every time I see my therapist she says "you look better than last week," then the next week she says I looked bad last week. I've not even seen her 6 months and she's "cancelled" I think 5 appointments without my knowledge (as in I showed up, checked in, and then after half an hour just left and called her to be told she wasn't there, or someone who knows me asked who I was seeing and told me she's not here today kinda deal--which happened with my last therapist until literally every other session didn't happen and she left without me even knowing until after she was gone).

So a few times lately "in crisis" I called or chatted with 988 or the NH Rapid Response line instead of my team's own emergency line, and they too are fking idiots. The NH line lady informed me I won't die from not eating for weeks if I have a positive mindset. 988 gives the most basic advice that anyone gets from like two sessions of therapy--I've been in treatment over a decade and hospitalized like 40 times--I think I've tried a few coping skills and know how to distract myself. I'm just fking sick of spending all my time "coping" and "distracting" just to not try and end it all. Am I about to attempt suicide when I'm absorbed in a book or watching rabbits in a field? No, but the second my thoughts get in there I am. So, yeah, sometimes I do go to therapy after a lot of distractions and I say I'm okay but then I walk out and I think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings because I have 10 minutes where there's nothing else to focus on and can't handle that shyt.

I've skipped my Adderall the last few days thinking I'd have more of an appetite and be more willing to eat, but, no I actually completely forget meals are supposed to be a thing because I'm spending so much fking energy trying to find my charger or remember what I think I'm supposed to be doing right now and just having a constant thought tornado, and now I just want to smash glass or ceramic and use the shards on my body and pretend I'm that frog jumping through traffic from that video game when I'm walking downtown instead of waiting for walk signals and stuff (which generally if there's heavy traffic I'm patient enough to wait for but the past few days I've been testing my timing abilities).