I texted L that I was struggling and that I couldn’t remember session. She summarized without me having to ask. I cried in session because talking about the push-pull was too overwhelming for me. That makes sense because it’s overwhelming even when not talking about it. I feel so torn with her. From wanting to run back to her and attach to her to wanting to keep her at a distance. Sometimes wanting to end it all. And I’m stuck right in the middle. It’s painful! And it’s even more painful discussing it with the person you feel this way with. Like I don’t want to tell her either side (even though she knows they exist). Explaining it though, the feelings. It’s really difficult. I feel very vulnerable with her. Part of me feels safe because of our history. But another part of me reset and she feels like a stranger, dangerous. I feel weak because of my depression and also because she knows me so well. Like she has an upper hand. It almost feels like what I felt when she told me about the pregnancy: being stuck between wanting to stay and wanting to end it. I guess it is the same.

Yes, you both are probably right. There was a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotion. Maybe too much for me. But her summary did bring it all back.