I screamed on the bus today when someone tapped me on the shoulder. PTSD. I emailed five therapists. I'm not interested in talk therapy, but maybe there's some other kind. I've tried EMDR before but it was too intense. It's been about 25 years since i took an interest in therapy. Maybe there are other options now that wouldn't require me to relive the trauma, at least not verbally.

This recent trauma of an accident on June 2, 2025, exacerbated traumas at 14 and 29. It's likely i have Complex PTSD now. I'm worried about the expense of therapy but that is not really sensible since i spent $35,000 over five months during my last hypomania.

I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the littlest detail. My phone going off makes me want to whip it across the room and it's an iPhone that cost $1500. The Superintendent who i did NOT want to speak to called me six times over ten minutes yesterday. That's harassment.

I know everyone thinks i am okay because i LOOK healthy. It's just so demoralizing that if i LOOK healthy, everyone assumed i AM healthy. But i am an expert at hiding. I hid for eight years in my teens. It's second nature to me. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I've had many bad experiences in therapy. Twice i've been kicked out, i was so belligerent. Many *I* quit. What's different now? Well, i'm older. That's about it. I found therapy triggering. Why am i going back for more of the same? It seems absurd. I'll look at the emails i'm sent but i feel uneasy about therapy. Isn't insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?