Hi,
I had a really tough day and feel emotionally drained.

I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, avoidant personality disorder, depression, and body dysmorphia — all before the relationship I’m about to mention. I’ve always struggled with trust, self-worth, and connection, often feeling broken or hard to love.

My only friend and I sometimes use amphetamines together. She’s been stopped by the police twice for driving under the influence. Before the second time, I told her not to drive, but she ignored me and even said she enjoys it. We got stopped again, and she got in trouble.

Today, I asked her to drive me home because my ex canceled last minute and I didn’t know how else to get home. She exploded, screaming that if she lost her license because of me, she’d spit on me. She blamed me for the second police stop, said I don’t care about her or her license, and that we’re not real friends. That hurt deeply. I try to be kind and supportive, but she lashes out at me while being nice to others. I feel like I’m never enough.

My ex, who was sexually violent and emotionally abusive, contacted me again after a year of trying to reconnect by calling my family and friends. I didn’t want anything from him but responded to be polite. Today, I asked him to pick me up from my friend’s because I didn’t know how to get home. He agreed, then canceled last minute and told me to stop calling or he’d block me. I told him I’ve seen other men, and he said, “There are enough other men who can pick you up.”

I don’t understand people. I try to be good and respectful but keep ending up in toxic situations. People leave, get angry, or treat me like I’m worthless. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel too sensitive, needy, or just too much. I just want connection and peace but feel like I’m not good enough.

I must be doing something wrong. I have no friends, or they tell me how awful I am, do me dirty, and then leave. It can’t be a coincidence that this keeps happening to me — maybe I really am a bad person and a bad friend.

If you’ve ever felt like this or have advice, I’d appreciate it. Thanks for reading.