There´s something restful and serene about realising there´s nothing I can do to make my life better. The "chase" itself is just harmful. There are many examples to this:

• I live in Sweden and I need warm and sunny weather to be able to at least take a swim in a nearby lake and to sit in the sun. During our summer it´s often cloudy and windy, not a weather for swimming outside. Nothing to do of course and it´s pointless listening to weather reports and to "chase after the sun".
  
• To be able to work I need to work for a company, half time, at a permanent position which allows me to work from home when I have the energy and when it suits me. I could never cope with working full time or in an office. I did a search for such work and there are none, you need to start your own firm to work like that. I can´t do sales work, telemarketing and such. Nothing to do.
  
• I don´t have a family nor friends that I´m close to. When I reach out it´s often too stressful and filled with disappointment so if affects my everyday life. It´s not worth it even if I know it´s harmful to my health to spend much time alone.

I have lived "chasing" things that would be the "next best thing" or the "third best thing" but it´s only tiring. Doing things on my own just to feel lonely when walking in the woods or spending time at a beach, looking at the clouds in the sky.

It´s either or, nothing in between as it only exhausts me. I can´t do anything of value to my situation and now I just realise I live like a senior or a retired person with little money.

This isn´t about "finding volunteer work" or "joining a club" as it´s not fulfilling enough. The life you need and want must be established when you´re young and you then build from that. If you don´t have such a foundation and you don´t have the strength yourself to build things from scratch and noone to help you, then you won´t have anything.

It´s of no help to think "I have a roof over my head, clothes and food everyday" as it will always be people having it worse, it doesn´t make my situation easier.

Now I live my days assuming there will be autumnlike weather during summer, no idea to plan anything. There´s nothing meaningful I can do so I perhaps rest for a while during the afternoon and make myself some coffee. I eat and watch some series, perhaps I rest some more. Then it´s evening and I perhaps do something at my computer, I perhaps visit the grocery shop and buy some candy or chocolate and watch a movie or a series.

I don´t hope for anything, there are obstacles to everything and my efforts will never be enough. Now I´m going to sit on my balcony, my physical condition worsens, a walk is more or less pointless. I can´t buy anything to start a new hobby.

I won´t be surprised if I get sick but there´s nothing to do about it.

I´m 40+ and I expect to live like this for the rest of my life. It´s no life but there´s nothing to do about it. This has nothing to do with depression as a cause, it´s the result of having tried for so long and nothing comes of it. Also, I´ve already been a patient within psychiatry and gotten evaluated and I don´t have any psychiatric conditions. It´s just a bad life I can´t do anything about, nothing that would make any real difference.