Thereīs something restful and serene about realising thereīs nothing I can do to make my life better. The "chase" itself is just harmful. There are many examples to this:
- I live in Sweden and I need warm and sunny weather to be able to at least take a swim in a nearby lake and to sit in the sun. During our summer itīs often cloudy and windy, not a weather for swimming outside. Nothing to do of course and itīs pointless listening to weather reports and to "chase after the sun".
- To be able to work I need to work for a company, half time, at a permanent position which allows me to work from home when I have the energy and when it suits me. I could never cope with working full time or in an office. I did a search for such work and there are none, you need to start your own firm to work like that. I canīt do sales work, telemarketing and such. Nothing to do.
- I donīt have a family nor friends that Iīm close to. When I reach out itīs often too stressful and filled with disappointment so if affects my everyday life. Itīs not worth it even if I know itīs harmful to my health to spend much time alone.
I have lived "chasing" things that would be the "next best thing" or the "third best thing" but itīs only tiring. Doing things on my own just to feel lonely when walking in the woods or spending time at a beach, looking at the clouds in the sky.
Itīs either or, nothing in between as it only exhausts me. I canīt do anything of value to my situation and now I just realise I live like a senior or a retired person with little money.
This isnīt about "finding volunteer work" or "joining a club" as itīs not fulfilling enough. The life you need and want must be established when youīre young and you then build from that. If you donīt have such a foundation and you donīt have the strength yourself to build things from scratch and noone to help you, then you wonīt have anything.
Itīs of no help to think "I have a roof over my head, clothes and food everyday" as it will always be people having it worse, it doesnīt make my situation easier.
Now I live my days assuming there will be autumnlike weather during summer, no idea to plan anything. Thereīs nothing meaningful I can do so I perhaps rest for a while during the afternoon and make myself some coffee. I eat and watch some series, perhaps I rest some more. Then itīs evening and I perhaps do something at my computer, I perhaps visit the grocery shop and buy some candy or chocolate and watch a movie or a series.
I donīt hope for anything, there are obstacles to everything and my efforts will never be enough. Now Iīm going to sit on my balcony, my physical condition worsens, a walk is more or less pointless. I canīt buy anything to start a new hobby.
I wonīt be surprised if I get sick but thereīs nothing to do about it.
Iīm 40+ and I expect to live like this for the rest of my life. Itīs no life but thereīs nothing to do about it. This has nothing to do with depression as a cause, itīs the result of having tried for so long and nothing comes of it. Also, Iīve already been a patient within psychiatry and gotten evaluated and I donīt have any psychiatric conditions. Itīs just a bad life I canīt do anything about, nothing that would make any real difference.