My job is currently safe. I worry about it being safe in the future.

The last week has been so stressful. My mom had a knee replacement surgery as an outpatient and a few days later was admitted to the hospital for fluid on her lungs and there were several hours that I had no information and she wasn't answering her phone and I was scared she was going to die.

Then the layoffs happen.

Yesterday in the middle of a bunch of meetings to learn about the new way of things at work I learned that the third uncle in 6 weeks has died. I had my therapy session 20 minutes later. I don't even know what I needed to process.

Then I had my last "session" with Patrick. It was less of a session and more of a reconnecting. We talked for an hour and a half. At the end I told him how much he has meant to me. He said to me the thing he said he wouldn't say to a client. He said "I love you", not as an individual statement, but as part of a sentence that I can't really remember. He told me that I had really affected him and that he would think of me and that he would miss me. I don't think he's really willing to shut the door completely. Sending him life updates was always on the table, but he did say that the offer to meet in person the next time he's in town is still on the table and he told me that I could email him and he would respond and that he trusted me, whatever that means. He said that if "the $hit hits the fan" to contact him.

This feels so hard. I really feel a hole in my life now. Even though we were only talking about once a month, that's not going to happen anymore. I'm feeling really down today. I have a therapist and she's nice and I can talk to her, but I don't feel that connection to her. I miss feeling that connection.