After last week’s scare, I’m feeling really connected with and appreciative of L. It still feels scary having her back. It’s kind of surreal. But it’s also familiar. We have been doing shares with each other last week, this week, and next. Simple things like pick a song and describe why you like it. That has been very helpful. We are still texting pretty much daily.

Next Tuesday, she’ll start being a part of my safety plan again. Meaning I can call her when in crisis. I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that yet. I’ve pretty much done it on my own. The one time I reached out to T was very uncomfortable and didn’t help. It felt like “well do you really need me or can you wait for tomorrow”. So I didn’t reach out.

My depression is still really bad. I smoke and sleep all day long. And it’s not because there’s nothing to do. It’s because I literally feel like I have no strength in me to do anything. Even simple things like laundry and dishes. I wait until H runs out of underwear or we run out of utensils. Everything is just so hard.

But I’m still here.