being a chaos junky with low self-esteem as been a continuous puzzle to navigate and put pieces together to stray away from the pattern. things go good and i have to screw it up.

there have been significant improvements, but so much more work to do.

sometimes i forget there's more work to do and then i hear myself talk. i struggle to reconcile my past and all of the trauma it entails. done to me, and my own doing to myself and others.

for a time, i saw myself as damned. i truly mean that. no higher power could ever love me or want me.

sometimes i wonder if i can ever serve enough penance to be worth serenity, and in that way i am my own block. it's up to me to decide that, so i need to forgive my own self. i'm struggling to do that.

and forward i go.