It's okay. Life is futile but endurable. I have the BBQ to look forward to today.

I called the crisis line but they are not very evolved there and want to keep me alive at all costs and do not consider quality-of-life questions. I want to know what i can do about the futility of my life. The way i seem to suffer again and again and if i live i have to expect more of the same. Is it really logical to live, only to suffer? Wouldn't the reasonable sensible humane thing be to take myself out of my misery? I feel that is my right. It's a decision only *I* can make. It is up to me.

I always thought my brother who when i was a teen was weak, too weak to face life, and that i'm strong for surviving into my senior years. But i've been thinking about it and what if he just made a logical dispassionate assessment that based on his flawed genetics combined with his dysfunction upbringing his chances for happiness in life were slim to none. If his expectation was that he would only live to suffer endlessly, why not take himself out and save himself the pain?

I think that's how it was. It was actually a relief for him to die. Maybe as the last signs of life flowed from him, he felt peace, euphoria, and gratitude.

Am i the same?