I'm saying AA has a few good sayings like "take what's helpful and leave the rest."

I think they have power over me because if it weren't for them I wouldn't have been handcuffed and locked in the hospital dungeon for a night only to be told by the ER psych people that the IEA was bs. I wouldn't have freaked out beforehand and after hand that I'm going to be stuck in the dungeon again and freak out again and be restrained again and be in enormous amounts of pain any time I walk for weeks again (I was also told I could've gotten a bone infection/sepsis when not caught because "it's an injection of course it's going to hurt for a few days" and then I'd get discharge and a few days turns into weeks into months without me really aware, or permanent nerve damage from that type of shyt). If it weren't for them, I could wake up one day and leave at 6am because there's no bad weather in the almost likely to be accurate next 10hour forecast and I don't have anywhere I have to be at 9am that if I'm not there, police get called. If it weren't for my case manager's inconsistent timing (sometimes cutting appointments short/showing up early to end her day early, sometimes showing up late, sometimes not showing up at all and being like "sorry I forgot I had a job, Sam.") I would sign up for tomorrow's tenant group. If I didn't feel the pressure to prove to them I'm not sick or am sick at a given moment, I could just be and accept wherever the fk I'm at that day and maybe be more willing to work with it instead of forcing it in whatever direction makes more sense to whatever mind (reasonable vs emotion vs wise) I'm in that day/moment. If I wasn't constantly dealing with "new abandonment wounds" when ("sorry I forgot I had a job, Sam.") stuff happens (which feels like at least weekly on average right now), maybe I could properly grieve and accept old ones.

Navigating treatment and dealing with the team specifically feels way more mentally challenging than a chess game, and I have only played like 20 times.

I have desires that I refuse to deny or relinquish the existence of. Sometimes that's cold water. Sometimes that's to smell, feel, taste, and hear alpine air. Sometimes they're not healthy ones I shouldn't chase after, but I do anyway, and maybe those I could work on letting go of, but if I strongly want cold water and it's 105F degrees not considering the fact the dew point might also be 80, I really don't think not wanting cold water at that moment is going to help out a lot.