Okay, I’m in a fking deep pit now.

If I’m honest with my team, I will be thrown into a a cop car and dragged to the ER in handcuffs faster than you can write three vowels in pen (as fast as my pdoc can write IEA in pen at least).

Except that’s not gonna help. The prior 50 hospital stays haven’t given me hope, the last time I was brought to the hospital all they did was give me activated charcoal because when they said I can voluntarily go (in legal words only) or involuntarily go. I didn’t like those options so I headed to the liquor store with a lotta valium in my pocket, except I nearly passed out on my way and was too paranoid to show my license if they carded me because it was after the time they said they’d call the police and never bought the alcohol bit. If I had been forced to the state hospital, I would probably be discharged on July 11th and would be attempting same day again as well, but my *** incapable of ANY form of rest probably wouldn’t die anyway and would just go back and forth between climbing bridge fences and getting restrained because I got scared of shadows.

Half the sleep I got in the past two weeks, I’m seeing now, is only due to med abuse. The other half is probably because I passed out puking or in the form of a nap waiting past my appointment time.

Yesterday (I really hope my CM just sucks at communicating), I was told the plan is to go to the hospital every time I’m weighed and it’s not higher than it was last time until they find a legitimate thing to fix or until they feel I will not be safe if I leave. Not if I say “I will only definitely not be safe if I get admitted for the fiftieth time and feel the way most of the time I’ve been discharged the past 50 times which is too similar to how I felt before each admission if not entirely the opposite in an equally bad way.” Same extent of extreme, different side of “okay.” An emotional absolute value, essentially.

I was told if I find a different provider they will call the police to bring me to the ER. That feels horrible to hear when every time I feel “in crisis” it’s ALWAYS because I talked to someone on the team and hear the same things repeated “we’re concerned,” (so unless the scale says a higher number next time we remember to weigh you, and to hope that’ll happen we’ll tell you to spend all your money on nutritional supplements you have said time and time again you hate the taste of but do put some instant breakfast in yogurt or make chai lattes out of or do anything with but mix with dairy milk and swallow like the box says and most people do with, we’ll make things worse), “you look good!” (Because you guys weren’t working yesterday and I had a decent day having not have seen any of you “professional mental health providers.”), or it was caused because we were supposed to meet and I made space and time to but was forgotten about completely until I had woken up from a nap and someone just happened to ask why I was there and said who I was seeing wasn’t there. Or I called the crisis line in crisis and didn’t get a call back, but was told 4 days later “we heard that message and were concerned about your state.” (But didn’t call back or call EMS after a nonsensical delirious rambling message from someone y’all are always “so concerned” about her physical health?????)

My CM went on how she keeps looking for eating disorder treatment for me over the years and I keep refusing (she found ONE residential that accepts my insurance but also only people under 16 and told me to lie about my age and educate myself on the latest social media trends back in 2023 and asks about this ONE PHP I DO NOT have transport to that has denied me three times already] every fking week). I found more concrete “treatment” in one weekend by discovering chatGPT (which using for therapy feels like using a microwave instead of a wood stove and old timey kettle to heat water) and a zoom support group (that will allow new members to register IN AUGUST!) than she has in 3 years of whatever tf she’s doing.

If you guys have been concerned for a while, how come for months it was “you look great!” “You sound good!” “You’re getting better!” until my pdoc said some quantities past vs present in a meeting and then all of a sudden “you’re gonna die!” from everyone?

Okay, enough hate, how do I see them so I don’t get hospitalized but treat myself in spite of them stressing me into crisis every time I struggle to navigate their bs and rules and things based on none of what I see and a lot I can’t see for the life of me. I can’t see how I would’ve gotten into a residential for under 16 y/o’s as a then 27 y/o who has been awake more hours than quite a few 40 year olds.