fkinng hell I just wrote a long *** reply on how I'm literally asking how not to count calories and label foods good or bad when I am forced to see two people on a weekly basis that ask what I've been eating who freak out if I can't even remember if it was this morning or two weeks ago I started leaving here at 2am because I'd rather be outside than feel trapped when I'm thinking about the times I had no choice in action because I had a literal gun either directly or indirectly being used to threaten me if I didn't do something they wanted when no one cares about keeping people up at night because they don't realize some people go a little fking insane when a good percentage of their sleep is in a mental health clinic lobby because they were forgotten to exist at the time of their appointment (this even happens for med management) because I'm stressin just thinking about them, let alone actually talking to them and listening to them ask me if I've "eaten this food? it's good"

I shouldn't have even checked this thread this late at night on a Tuesday because now I'm worried if I go get my meds tomorrow morning I won't come back and I don't fking remember or have any way of figuring out whether I consumed or burned more energy/mass over the past week. I know I did not sleep a hell of a lot. I know that because why else would I have been taking so much valium that taking five times my dose doesn't prevent me from running the fastest mile I've run in probably years because I saw a clock and realized if I don't die, and based on how I feel I will not unless it's by gunshot by police, the police are gonna get me (I guess the middle would be both dying and the police getting me). And didn't die, and was put in handcuffs later to be told by the only one on the team I can handle talking to, "I don't know, I saw you hauling-*** across downtown, if that EKG said you're either in fight or flight or a badass athlete I wouldn't know which."

So yeah, I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight either because I am wound tf up with the anxiety of "am I going to have to have IV Ativan every two hours AGAIN just for the safety of myself and everyone around me because where I'm going feels so threatening I turn into fking wolf monster tomorrow?"