@BeyondtheRainbow: I am so sorry about your poor chickens. They really are delightful animals. I follow a funny chicken series on Facebook and it's really apt how the chickens are always wishing me a good morning with such silly glee and verve. Hopefully your brother has responded with some help by now. Keep us posted.

@Blueberrybook: Your gumbo sounds amazing! Something i will try once i'm stable again. Sorry your day is sub-parr. That happens sometimes and you sound like you're coping with it well. My period stopped for a year when i had anorexia in my teens and trained as a competitive gymnast. Hopefully it is just perimenopause this time for you. I can't tell you what a delight it is to be in full menopause and not have to deal with that wretched mess every month and the endless worry about accidents.

@Crazy Hitch: Your drawings are wonderful! I've seen the original victorious warrior image online. Are you the original artist or is yours an homage? I've never seen the second despairing image. Is that an original artwork? The photo of a grieving old woman from rural Eastern Europe on the Wikipedia entry for "Prolonged Grief Disorder" (attached) is very moving. If i was still drawing, i would draw it. Would love to see you bring it to life as a drawing!

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I had a hard time getting to sleep. I had fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop syndrome. I kept telling myself that i was safe behind a securely looked door with a barlock on it so the door cannot even be opened even if someone has a key. I kept telling myself that i am at peace and have privacy and my dog is sleeping peacefully with me.

Nothing worked so i finally got up and journaled. When i felt stoned enough i went back to bed but the rest of the night i only had tortured twilight sleep with crazy nonsense ideas. Seroquel. I woke up too early, unrefreshed. I tried to nap and joyously felt myself being dragged under, only to give up 90 minutes later. So disappointing.

I talked to J at The Mental Health Crisis Team and she seemed interested only in if the violent thoughts i had over the past few days have passed. When i said yes, she quickly rang off. It was discouraging.

My lovely young feminist neighbor ("F") asked me to go to a Farmers Market. I *L*O*V*E* Farmers Markets! But i had to say no because of this darn instability and being so sensitive to triggers in public. I'm very sad about this because this is the first time F has asked me to do anything and i hate to turn people down as they may get discouraged and not ask again. Sigh! My mental illness costs me so much!

I *DID* manage to have fun in the lobby talking to other neighbors as well. I did some good work towards building relationships and had fun while doing it, which is an end in itself.

Drinking chamomile tea today in hopes it will promote sleep. I'll try warm milk before bedtime too, for the tryptophan. It has to be warm to be effective. I prepare for bedtime from noon onward. It's not much of a life but luckily i like being a homebody and the loving company of my sweet creampuff dog.

She's learned how to clamber up over me in my overstuffed chair that i've downsized to as a sofa is too big in here. She climbs into my lap, hops on top of my belly, and clambers onto the back of the chair and lies on the tops of the fluffy back pillows. I call it my "Womb Chair" because it is as comfortable as a womb in it! Really a stellar piece of furniture! My neighbor gave it to me free! Haha!