Oy, not feeling great right now. All night if I tried to lay down I would feel my ears get like pins and needles kinda and a couple spots at the back of my head too, and get really nauseous and my brain would feel super foggy--like Depakote toxicity levels of brain fog.

Stopped using my pillow and just used the blanket for less cushion instead (I have always had trouble with every pillow being too thick until one day I use them and it's like over-day it became a flat brick) and that seems to solve it? I actually got a little bit of sleep probably falling asleep around 11:30pm and waking up at 2am. I think that's the most sleep I've had here in a while, and that's with being eye-level with fireworks going off in the street not even fifty feet outside the window (because what better place to set off fireworks than downtown in the street where all the buildings-- are right up to the sidewalk-- including the transitional housing for women who have been through shyt and most of us don't handle sudden loud explosions too great (unless we KNOW there's a war going on or something then we handle it better than anyone else apparently because makes no difference**) and no one's been in a good mood in like a week it seems?)

**I've been reading/re-reading bits of past trauma books, and I'm noticing a theme. In What My Bones Know, I got where Foo was coming from with suddenly being the go-to person once the pandemic (very quickly) took off. I was reading something similar in The Body Keeps the Score that explains if you're constantly in crisis for a while, you tend to thrive because everyone else is in the same crisis, but doesn't have prior experience with living each day with the threat of death at the door. That's why so many first responders have a trauma background compared to, say, accountants or something (I mean dealing with traumatic environments is kinda their job, but there's usually a reason they're attracted to the job).

My stomach hurts so freaking badly, man. I've only had water and peppermint tea so far today and that might come up.


This upcoming week is going to be busy-ish. I see pdoc, CM, T, and my PCP throughout the week. Think I have to get labs done but don't really remember and wasn't given a paper so I'm not even going to head over there until I have the paper. They do electronically but for some reason there's like a shield that prevents those orders from going across the street. Every time I show up for labs that "were sent over" from the mental health clinic (which also is where I see my PCP through some ACT program so they can all talk without me constantly signing ROIs), it's always "we don't see any orders in the computer," and several days of phone calls to get it straightened out or just going there and being like "hey, can I have paper orders?"