Okay, so when I moved and changed my address with USPS they said I could sign up for "informed delivery" for free, it sounded cool, so I did. It said stuff that "would be coming soon" in my "daily digest" that hasn't come from June 28th. Kind of important stuff--like a fking card that I use to pay for my stupid POS meds. Yeah, didn't read the dumb warnings for Rexulti and screamed and cried in the bathroom for like half an hour trying to pee when I didn't know I had to until I felt an insane pain that I know only from experience of having urinary retention from Prolixin, Geodon, Cogentin, Thorazine, and to a minor extent (but enough to make things 100000% worse when combined with Cogentin), Haldol. Idk how much of an anticholingeric Rexulti is, but OMG I mentioned it to my therapist yesterday, and today I'm going to mention it to the nurse alongside telling her, yo, have not SLEPT SINCE FUKING SATURDAY INTO SUNDAY OTHER THAN MICROSLEEP WHILE WALKING IN TRAFFIC WHICH I FEEL SHOULD BE SCARIER THAN SOMEONE WALKING IN ON ME TRYING TO PEE IN THE HOSPITAL BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE THE "TRICKS" I LEARNED FROM URINARY RETENTION INVOLVE REMOVAL OF SHOES AND SHIRT AND SOMETIMES BRA SO MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD--don't ask me why it helps but I swear it helps more than having water running--AND THAT LAST SLEEP WAS "A WONDERFUL 2.5 HOURS AFTER TWO ALL-NIGHTERS" ACCORDING TO MY JOURNAL

I asked Chaptgtt how to sleep and it said to go to the ER if you are hallucinating, feel unsafe or out of control, have significant memory gaps, or feel hopeless, suicidal, or some third thing that's kind of a daily given. Yeah... that's been like every day for long enough to get used to it and not see any of it as an "emergency." I literally have barely a memory of the ER other than that's what we decided to do instead of talk when I tried getting up to leave and then it went dark, but I got the MyChart emails so I guess I did go and complain of a "headache." I love how they just casually put my BMI and average HR in there and added "make sure to get exercise in," in the attachments. Like, dude, if someone is "intermittently screaming" and reports "not well" when asked about eating and fluid intake, I don't think their average HR should be low 50s.

I'm literally at the point where random CMs that visit regularly to my area know more about my walks than I do. "M said he saw you walking around yesterday--said you were fast," oh cool, did he say where he was because I don't remember what feels like 40 hours ago in a 5 second wrap up scene in some movie I made up in my head 10 years ago but remember that better than the stupid fking walk.



edit: is it me having no reading comprehension or is this really freaking disorganized?